Writings of the Hopeless

My mind shall whir on and on

About myself and my wretched future

Spinning tales of lie and fables

Till I won’t even want a future

I’m sick of knowing where I’ll end and where I’ll start

The same old tale repeating itself

Over and over again

Make it stop!

I’ve grown to hate myself for my rapidly whirring brain

I’m so predictable and my acts perceived before action

Who perceives my actions but myself? It is me and just myself

I loathe my existence while jotting down what my brain says

Command me, beloved mind

I’ve grown to call myself names

Wish what is worse than death on my very self

Bore sleepless nights with hopeless thoughts

And wept tears of loneliness in frustrated agony

Who I appear to be

Is not what I perceive to be

True or False?

Echoes of mindless whisperers

Chanted in the hallway of your mind

Bouncing off the hard ebony walls 

Creating cracks like bulb filaments

Can you see the chinks of truth?

Glimmering in the blackest of darkness

Obvious, but to the naked eye’s holder not 

You walk past unknowing of that what you desire

It lies, just lies

Lies to both you and itself

While lying there

Innocent at first glance

But, look deeper you may find the dirty lies

Lies within truth, maybe it is the other way around

Are you looking at the true or false?

Is it any of the two?

Doubts and endless questions bouncing off the same ebony walls

But your lips don’t move 

Your eyes don’t shift

Your face doesn’t stir

Oh those strong ebony walls!

The Faceless

Forgotten and defeated

They lie in the smoky dust

My demons and darkest secrets

For I have fought with my blood and tears

Years had passed 

And I hid my true self behind a face

A ghost it was!

Yet I adored the alter ego

Many trusted me

Loved me

Vouched for me

Protected me!

Oh the glory on their faces

When I removed my mask and they saw me 

The real me

They screamed, I laughed

Their screams ringing in my hollow ears

Where are they now?

I was hungry!

I did not want them to know

I hid!

I hid for so long!

No more! 

Sickness

I can feel it
I’m growing sick again

I can feel the disease crawling on the walls of my mind

Like worms on the ribcage of a carcass

Do I enjoy it? 

Do I want it?

Maybe I love it. 

Maybe it’s like embracing my old friend 

Reminisce over the good times 

Then it’s goodbye, good to meet you!

I want him to stay 

Good ol’ friend, keep me company for one more minute

Minutes turn to hours and he drags me on

He is peace, he is what I seek

Sickness. 

I’m comfortably sick

No one matters when he visits me deep in the night

With his sickly grin and darkness

I greet him with open arms and he leaves a steely glint in my palm

A blood sacrifice? 

No!

A blood truce!

Bound together forever

Me and him

He and I

But he does not bleed

No one understands!

So I stumble my way to the bathroom sink

I swallow the steely glint and feel it twisting, slicing

Ripping through the fragile walls of my veins

He drinks my crimson

I’m in love with my sickness

Death

I see death in its eyes
Slowly creeping along the outline of his iris

Seeping in and tinging the yellow-white with mellow pink 

I see death 

Calm and calculated

He does not stir 

Leaving me to find myself through the rapidly darkening redness

My steps are miscalculated unlike his nature

I can’t see anymore

But I can feel him

I feel death

I feel his spindly arms grabbing fistful of emptiness behind me

I can smell him

I can hear his short gasps and intakes of breath

Is it breath?

It may be life in another form

That’s a different story

He’s reaching out for me

Is this a parley?

I can see him now

Acrid blackness against a sheet of reddening wine

The blackness seems to blend into the red

But my eyes trace his blackness of no form out

I can taste him by now

The bitter smoke endlessly and invisibly wrapping its loving hands around me

I’m suffocating

The carbon soaked emptiness stealing my breath

I’m in love!

I saw death

I felt death

I smelt death

I heard death

I saw Him

I felt Him

I smelt Him

I heard Him

.

.

.

.

Nothing!

Then there was nothing!

Soon his own darkness unfurled

Swallowing him whole 

Then I heard voices from my world

…my world…

And just like that he was gone but I forgot to ask for my heart back

(Untitled)

A graveyard.

Silent!

I’ll seat myself in the midst

And my eyes will wander to the infinite blackness overhead

Quiet!

A special graveyard

There’s one coffin

There’s no air

Suffocation!

I’ll swallow it down with a dose of silence

Sweeter than that beautiful smile

Suffocation, I search for it

In the cracks of his foundation

Crumbling like loose sand caged within the walls of my hands

Faltering!

The smile shook!

The frow burrowed

The blankness settled

And I once more retreated beyond the wall he set up

A wall made for whom?

Defences set up

My questions pelted against the thick walls and floated to the floor, unanswered

Open up.

I need entry.

And the walls grew thicker than ever! 

Bloody Addictions

Crimson you call it

With your fancy fangled words 

Afraid of uttering the cursed word

But I’ll call it happiness 

And I’ll draw it right from my jugular

The traffic in my mind has halted

There are red lights, stop signs and sirens blasting

But I tell you, I can’t help it

And yet another bloody handprint makes its way on the wall

The wall of my bloody mind

Don’t be frightened

I won’t hurt you 

It’s just me

Help! I’ve bloody murdered myself 

Unscripted Journal Pages

Everything I think of is fraud. Everything I touch seems like it doesn’t exist. I live in this world. I’m part of the world where everyone else lives in but I feel so distant. There’s chatter, laughter, emotion and happiness around me but why is everything alien to me. I try to indulge in activities like everyone else, but the result always comes up royally fucked.

Is it okay to dream of the spirits? I do that! I know they are around me. I feel their presence like they are standing by my side. Am I just too lonely? Or is this real? Do they really exist? Do I only see them?

All these questions are suffocating and I can’t find a way to answer them. Nothing answers my endless stream of questions and by the end of the day nothing makes sense. I wish I could turn back time to when everything was answered with “it’s just like that”. I just took everything that way but these questions never end and I’m dying.

I can’t reach out to them. It’s like they want something from me and I can’t give it to them for I just can’t….understand them. Maybe they’re just aloof like me. Kept away from others like they were vermin. No one interacts with them and they’re just kept alone and out of reach of humanity. That’s how I feel all the time and no one understands that.

Drama queen! Attention seeker! Words are hurled at me like stones, as if I’m a pillar. I’m not a goddamn object. Anger, humiliation, failed attempts, fear, hope, trust; where these emotions created to torment us in the middle hours of the night? Were we supposed to sit and think of every last decision we made at night? Night is for sleep they say. Sleep is for humans.

So am I human?

Bits and Pieces

The soft static in my mind turns louder

I bite my lips harder drawing bitter crimson

My nails are okay, what about the skin around them?

And my stomach’s in bits and pieces

 

My sleep is scarce, I keep waking up

Forget about my health!

The love of my life has ran away

And now I pick up the bits and pieces of my shattered soul

 

Will you listen to my silence?

I’m to afraid to talk

For my tongue might slip and utter a word I shall, of the darkest secrets

Then you’ll leave and I’ll again be the bits and pieces of dust I was before

 

Do not take it personally

If I don’t come to you with my problems

I know we’re close but trust me I’d rather not talk

Because everything is in bits and pieces

I don’t know why but all I see is darkness in my mind

 

I’m sorry but everything about me,

Is bits and pieces

Thoughts, memories and words are carefully pieced apart

Guess the good takes you nowhere!