Writings of the Hopeless

My mind shall whir on and on

About myself and my wretched future

Spinning tales of lie and fables

Till I won’t even want a future

I’m sick of knowing where I’ll end and where I’ll start

The same old tale repeating itself

Over and over again

Make it stop!

I’ve grown to hate myself for my rapidly whirring brain

I’m so predictable and my acts perceived before action

Who perceives my actions but myself? It is me and just myself

I loathe my existence while jotting down what my brain says

Command me, beloved mind

I’ve grown to call myself names

Wish what is worse than death on my very self

Bore sleepless nights with hopeless thoughts

And wept tears of loneliness in frustrated agony

Who I appear to be

Is not what I perceive to be

True or False?

Echoes of mindless whisperers

Chanted in the hallway of your mind

Bouncing off the hard ebony walls 

Creating cracks like bulb filaments

Can you see the chinks of truth?

Glimmering in the blackest of darkness

Obvious, but to the naked eye’s holder not 

You walk past unknowing of that what you desire

It lies, just lies

Lies to both you and itself

While lying there

Innocent at first glance

But, look deeper you may find the dirty lies

Lies within truth, maybe it is the other way around

Are you looking at the true or false?

Is it any of the two?

Doubts and endless questions bouncing off the same ebony walls

But your lips don’t move 

Your eyes don’t shift

Your face doesn’t stir

Oh those strong ebony walls!

The Faceless

Forgotten and defeated

They lie in the smoky dust

My demons and darkest secrets

For I have fought with my blood and tears

Years had passed 

And I hid my true self behind a face

A ghost it was!

Yet I adored the alter ego

Many trusted me

Loved me

Vouched for me

Protected me!

Oh the glory on their faces

When I removed my mask and they saw me 

The real me

They screamed, I laughed

Their screams ringing in my hollow ears

Where are they now?

I was hungry!

I did not want them to know

I hid!

I hid for so long!

No more! 

Sickness

I can feel it
I’m growing sick again

I can feel the disease crawling on the walls of my mind

Like worms on the ribcage of a carcass

Do I enjoy it? 

Do I want it?

Maybe I love it. 

Maybe it’s like embracing my old friend 

Reminisce over the good times 

Then it’s goodbye, good to meet you!

I want him to stay 

Good ol’ friend, keep me company for one more minute

Minutes turn to hours and he drags me on

He is peace, he is what I seek

Sickness. 

I’m comfortably sick

No one matters when he visits me deep in the night

With his sickly grin and darkness

I greet him with open arms and he leaves a steely glint in my palm

A blood sacrifice? 

No!

A blood truce!

Bound together forever

Me and him

He and I

But he does not bleed

No one understands!

So I stumble my way to the bathroom sink

I swallow the steely glint and feel it twisting, slicing

Ripping through the fragile walls of my veins

He drinks my crimson

I’m in love with my sickness

Death

I see death in its eyes
Slowly creeping along the outline of his iris

Seeping in and tinging the yellow-white with mellow pink 

I see death 

Calm and calculated

He does not stir 

Leaving me to find myself through the rapidly darkening redness

My steps are miscalculated unlike his nature

I can’t see anymore

But I can feel him

I feel death

I feel his spindly arms grabbing fistful of emptiness behind me

I can smell him

I can hear his short gasps and intakes of breath

Is it breath?

It may be life in another form

That’s a different story

He’s reaching out for me

Is this a parley?

I can see him now

Acrid blackness against a sheet of reddening wine

The blackness seems to blend into the red

But my eyes trace his blackness of no form out

I can taste him by now

The bitter smoke endlessly and invisibly wrapping its loving hands around me

I’m suffocating

The carbon soaked emptiness stealing my breath

I’m in love!

I saw death

I felt death

I smelt death

I heard death

I saw Him

I felt Him

I smelt Him

I heard Him

.

.

.

.

Nothing!

Then there was nothing!

Soon his own darkness unfurled

Swallowing him whole 

Then I heard voices from my world

…my world…

And just like that he was gone but I forgot to ask for my heart back

Bloody Addictions

Crimson you call it

With your fancy fangled words 

Afraid of uttering the cursed word

But I’ll call it happiness 

And I’ll draw it right from my jugular

The traffic in my mind has halted

There are red lights, stop signs and sirens blasting

But I tell you, I can’t help it

And yet another bloody handprint makes its way on the wall

The wall of my bloody mind

Don’t be frightened

I won’t hurt you 

It’s just me

Help! I’ve bloody murdered myself