Unscripted Journal Pages

Everything I think of is fraud. Everything I touch seems like it doesn’t exist. I live in this world. I’m part of the world where everyone else lives in but I feel so distant. There’s chatter, laughter, emotion and happiness around me but why is everything alien to me. I try to indulge in activities like everyone else, but the result always comes up royally fucked.

Is it okay to dream of the spirits? I do that! I know they are around me. I feel their presence like they are standing by my side. Am I just too lonely? Or is this real? Do they really exist? Do I only see them?

All these questions are suffocating and I can’t find a way to answer them. Nothing answers my endless stream of questions and by the end of the day nothing makes sense. I wish I could turn back time to when everything was answered with “it’s just like that”. I just took everything that way but these questions never end and I’m dying.

I can’t reach out to them. It’s like they want something from me and I can’t give it to them for I just can’t….understand them. Maybe they’re just aloof like me. Kept away from others like they were vermin. No one interacts with them and they’re just kept alone and out of reach of humanity. That’s how I feel all the time and no one understands that.

Drama queen! Attention seeker! Words are hurled at me like stones, as if I’m a pillar. I’m not a goddamn object. Anger, humiliation, failed attempts, fear, hope, trust; where these emotions created to torment us in the middle hours of the night? Were we supposed to sit and think of every last decision we made at night? Night is for sleep they say. Sleep is for humans.

So am I human?

Bits and Pieces

The soft static in my mind turns louder

I bite my lips harder drawing bitter crimson

My nails are okay, what about the skin around them?

And my stomach’s in bits and pieces

 

My sleep is scarce, I keep waking up

Forget about my health!

The love of my life has ran away

And now I pick up the bits and pieces of my shattered soul

 

Will you listen to my silence?

I’m to afraid to talk

For my tongue might slip and utter a word I shall, of the darkest secrets

Then you’ll leave and I’ll again be the bits and pieces of dust I was before

 

Do not take it personally

If I don’t come to you with my problems

I know we’re close but trust me I’d rather not talk

Because everything is in bits and pieces

I don’t know why but all I see is darkness in my mind

 

I’m sorry but everything about me,

Is bits and pieces

Thoughts, memories and words are carefully pieced apart

Guess the good takes you nowhere!